I was thinking about how I’ve always gotten at least one cabeceo invitation at the milongas here in Seattle since my early tango days (Cacho Dante situation a few years ago notwithstanding), and how more recently the majority of my dance invitations have been via the cabeceo, even if it is not a big part of the culture here.
I’ve realized that I was already doing it before I knew what it really was. Back in the day, when a song I liked would come on, I’d look over at someone I wanted to dance with - hoping to get his attention so he’d ask me to dance.
Almost every time I did it, the man would invite me with the cabeceo, and I’m sure it was not always intentional, because a lot of these guys normally just walked up and asked. It was more like I caught his glance, he wanted to dance, so nodded his head towards the dance floor because that was the easiest way to ask in that particular moment. It just made sense at the time.
So really, the cabeceo isn’t that strange… it’s almost natural - it’s just an invitation to dance, using body language, that’s all.
It will probably never become the norm up here in norte-America, which is fine. “Will you dance with me?” is a very nice question to be asked. I’ve said yes to it many times. But if you really think about it, the cabeceo a perfectly logical way to invite someone to dance, when possible.
One thing that amuses me is when people don’t quite know how to use it. Once, I made eye contact with a guy, and I guess he didn’t want to dance. What he should have done was just look away - pretend he didn’t see me, etc. What he did instead was shook his head no, and mouthed the words, “sorry, no.” He’s a nice guy and we dance a lot, and it didn’t bug me, but he kind of confused the whole concept of the cabeceo.
When someone catches your eye and you don’t want to dance, just don’t look at them. Look down to adjust the strap on your shoe, look away to watch the dancing, but don’t go shaking your head “no” - that can make for some awkward feelings and kind of destroys the point.
Just my opinion.
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I never quite understood the claim that a rejection (when asking someone to dance) is somehow less disappointing when using cabeceo then when asking in person. I do prefer when cabeceo is used, as it may avoid an embarrassing moment, but a rejection is a rejection and is disappointing no matter what. Not to mention there is always the incertitude about whether your invite was actually seen and declined or not seen at all.
Hi Sorin!
I wouldn’t call it less disappointing as much as I’d call it less awkward.
Y’know what I find awkward is when I’m not sure who the guy is looking at - me or the girl next to me? I once had that happen in Buenos Aires where I thought I’d just been invited, but in actuality it was the girl sitting behind me. I’m so glad to this day that I remained glued to my chair, thus avoiding a really embarrassing moment.
That happened last night - a guy was looking at me and beckoning with a nod of his head to the floor. The woman in front of me jumped up and ran over to him. He had to explain to her that he meant to invite me and she looked so mortified as she slunk back to her chair. But at least the guy was nice enough to tell her that he will come back for her after and he did.
Sorin, there is an important difference between being reject when you ask or when you do the cabeceo: Others peoples look (and that’s really care, at least here). In the cabeceo, usually only you and the woman will know about the rejection. When you ask and have to return to your table after a no, well it’s not very nice.
Besos Tina!
I beg to differ, though. When you are invited, and don’t want to dance, be clear about it. Nothing is more frustrating than not knowing whether you were rejected, or whether your invitation was just not recognized.
With a rejection, I can move on. With the uncertainty, I will invite again. And again. Until I’m afraid of being foolish, and stop, still wondering whether she actually saw me or not.
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