Tango Bliss is NOT… (or, how NOT to treat a woman at a milonga)

At a recent milonga I had a run-in with a “Hot-Shot-Wannabe Jerk” who was visiting from another state where he apparently teaches. He invited me to dance and once we were on the floor, he began to embrace me. Something was a little uncomfortable about his embrace but I liked it because it was more or less very close and his posture felt rather nice. Then we started dancing. He jerked me around, led moves that were a bit large for the space, and worst of all, he ran me into other couples. This was very uncomfortable. Oh boy, this was going to be a long tanda.

Throughout the whole first song, I had a gut feeling that he was either going to hustle me for lessons or criticize me. I tried to push that out of my head so I could just try to enjoy dancing with him. The second song felt more smooth as I began to better understand where he was in the music, and I was able to meet him halfway, sort of. This was very short lived though.

As the second song was finishing - let me clarify, BEFORE the second song was even finished - he started criticizing me, telling me what he didn’t like about my dancing and trying to correct it verbally. I won’t say what he said, because it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he was so eager to start in on what he didn’t like about my dancing. This was hurtful and rude. “Excuse me?” I said, and tried to defend myself against his negative words. He repeated himself, and was just about to talk about himself as a teacher, so I interrupted and said, “I’m sorry but I don’t dance with people who criticize me. I come here to have fun.”

And with that, the tanda was over.

When a woman dances tango she is leaving herself emotionally vulnerable, and when you criticize her in that moment, you are attacking her soul. That’s not very nice. It’s like being in a relationship - well, it IS a relationship - you enter cautiously, slowly allowing yourself to become more open and vulnerable to the other person - and that can feel very dangerous because you run the risk of getting hurt. Can you imagine falling in love with a person you are dating, only to have them turn around and start criticizing you, telling you what’s wrong with you? Ouch!

When I dance tango with a man, I am trusting him with my body and heart and soul, trusting that he will protect me and and make me feel wonderful inside. If all goes well, it’s bliss. This goes away quickly when you try to be “helpful”, or in this guy’s case, egotistical.

So men, here is an important lesson: Please don’t teach at a milonga. Please don’t correct someone at a milonga. Please don’t criticize at a milonga. JUST DANCE. And try to have fun too.