Just a couple of things that have come to mind lately. Please excuse the cranky undertone - I really am quite happy these days. 
1) At a milonga recently, I witnessed a man saying over and over to a beginning follower, “Relax! Relax!” while patting her back almost impatiently. I later learned that he was also nagging her about her posture, etc. Really people, think about it. When’s the last time you actually felt relaxed after someone nagged at you impatiently to relax? Guys/girls, please, I beg of you, don’t pick on beginners at milongas. Even if you think they need to “relax”. It’s NOT NICE. It’s what makes some beginners get frustrated and quit Tango. If you have something to say about their technique, save it for the practica. Or perhaps evaluate what it is YOU are doing as a dancer to contribute to whatever it is they are not excelling at. When I was first learning Tango, I was pretty nervous, worried about making mistakes. Eventually the worry went away, but you know what initially kept me returning? Very nice guys who spoke kind, encouraging words (NOT including the word “relax!”), or said nothing at all. Guys who remembered that they had once also been beginning students, and who had faith that I would become more confident in my dancing. These people are still my friends today.
2) I’ve discovered that I do not like it when men invite me to dance BEFORE a tanda has even begun. How do you even know what song is going to play, what kind of music it will be, and if you’ll even like it? And of course how do you know I’ll like it? It makes me uncomfortable. If I say “yes” then I’m obligated to dance even if it turns out to be an orchestra that just doesn’t do it for me. That’s not cool. I much prefer to wait until the music begins - if I like it, I’ll make myself available for dance invitations. I’m going to say no from now on when people invite me prior to hearing what the music is.
3) I really enjoy the saying “Less is more”. I also think “slower is better” (while staying on rhythm of course). There is nothing more uncomfortable than being rushed around the floor by someone who is determined to lead as many steps as possible. I don’t care about your vocabulary, I just want to dance. And to me there is nothing better than a really nice walk.
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There are some milongas where men are so desperate they ask any better dancer way before the music starts. the few of us who actually care about what music we dance to ,we either have to get with the program or not dance much. it would help if the women would say something like “i would like to dance with you but i would prefer to wait until the set starts, to make sure i like the music”. i always say this when i am asked to dance, as a result people know now to wait until the muisc starts.
another “trick” i’m using if i have to ask before the muisc is playng is to say “would you like to dxance if we find the next set insipiring?”.
Tina,
Amen!
Sorin those are both great ideas - thanks!
ditto - amen. the nagging thing has happened to me a few times, and i really can’t stand it. once, a man even said to me:
“jesus, you’re as stiff as a board. relax, relax, just calm down, will you?”
i never danced with him again. he looks at me at milongas, but i turn my head away. he is also the reason why i stopped telling people how many months i have been dancing. some people can get very condecending the second they find out they have been dancing longer than you have.
other pet peeves:
1. please do not interrupt conversations, especially if the participants look really absorbed and animated while speaking with each other.
2. please do not grab, touch, tap, rub, or pull anyone towards you while asking for a dance, especially if they have a (spillable) drink in their hands. the dancing and touching starts when both dancers have consented, have stood up facing each other, and are ready for the embrace!
Nuit: about your second pet peeve - I hear ya. In fact, I once had a guy pull my hair! What’s up with that?
Sadly I’ve seen women do some silly things to men too - Tango really brings out the best and the worst in human beings…
About tension, this happens a lot with beginner dancers, it took me a long time to learn to relax, but dancing with a woman that is very stiff is torturous for me. If I feel she is too stiff, between songs I might say something along the lines “I have to apologize, I am a little tense tonight and I’m afraid I’m passing it on to you. I’ll do my best to relax for the next songs”. Of course, sometime is actually true.
It most cases it helps. First it’s a gentle reminder that tense is not good and second, if she was intimidated for whatever reason, displaying some weakness helps bridging the (perceived) gap.
I care about music and I prefer to wait until the fist song, but the fact that other people invite during cortina makes me also do it sometime, especially with popular follows. I do it only, however, if I trust DJ who consistently plays good music or if I peeked into his/her laptop and know what is coming.
If on the other hand, I am invited to dance during cortina (yes girls do it to guys to!), I almost always say exactly what Sorin suggested: “of course let’s dance, but let’s see if music is good”. On more then one occasion I refused to dance afterwards when I heard the first song for various reasons, such as I do not feel like dancing milonga right now or I do not feel like dancing Pugliese with this particular follow, etc. So for me, the aceptance of invitation during cortina is always conditional.
And it is not very different from inviting someone to dance in the end of the set at a practica or milonga without cortinas. Without cortinas invitations often happen on 3rd or 4th song of the because people do not always pay attention when orchestras changes. In this case sometime I would dance half of the song and then say “thank you” because I do not like the next orchestra.
“tense beginner” is a tautology.
a polite reminder definitely helps, if the man is a gentleman like sorin.
it backfires if the guy is less graceful, and condescending on top of it!
p.s. the polite reminder should be left for the practicas, of course.
I do like Sorin’s use of words… they would relax me because I’d think “Oh wow, he’s tense too - I’m not the only one”…
One of my favorite things a guy said to me when I was a beginner, was between songs when I kept apologizing for being tense, etc., he said, “There’s never reason to apoligize, I like dancing with you. And as long as we’re having fun who cares.” It really set the stage for me to just go for it and have fun.
I’ve even seen men give lessons to women on the dance floor during a milonga. How incredibly rude and presumptuous! And these guys were usually not the best dancers :-o.
Goes back to the expression “those who can do, and does who can’t teach”….I believe that’s the expression in English (being a foreigner, I’m not quite quick with American expressions).
I agree, slower is better, tango is not a race, at best it’s a leisurely stroll for the spirit.
Cheers
Regarding the early invitations, I agree with pretty much everything Anton and Sorin said. I think it’s also tied to lack of use of cabeceo: if you’re going walk around asking women (or men) to dance with you, it’s easier and more inconspicous to do so during the cortina.
There’s a good reason why inappropriate behavior at the milonga such as teaching is usually done by people who aren’t very good dancers. The reason for this correlation is that it takes time dancing before you get good and it takes time being immersed in tango culture and socializing with other tango dancers before you learn the proper etiquette. I think the most useful social function of this blog is sharing this kind of information. However, most people won’t read this blog so I would encourage people who know, to communicate such things to people willing to learn them. For instance, for at least a year since I’ve started (I got into tango somewhat slowly), I saw little practical difference between a practica and a milonga. Then during a private lesson with a dancer I admired, she mentioned that she and certain other well known followers are in agreement that they don’t like to be “practiced on” during milongas. What she told me changed my attitude towards and my behavior at milongas. This seems an incredibly obvious thing in retrospect, but if we learn from behavior of others and that behavior is inconsistant from person to person, it’s hard to learn the rules. It helps to have somebody you trust and respect explain it to you directly.
Relaxing is another thing that came slowly to me. I still have problems with that at times. I think it’s ok to mention it to beginners in practica, though tact and good sense is called for. Also I think that non-verbal communication can be more effective and also acceptable at both practicas and milongas. For instance, re-adjusting the embrace can be relaxing to both you and your partner. A common area of tension (and the bane of my tango existance for a time) is the arm and shoulder that make up the open side of the embrace. Not sure how you would communicate that as a follower, but as a leader, when dancing with a follower with this issue, I slowly but deliberately move my left arm around until I feel her relax. Done consistantly, I think it helps your partner break that bad habit in the long term and decreases both your discomfort in the short term.
That said, the issues with the other arm, while probably less common and easier to fix, are more dangerous because they can mess up your back. If your partner doesn’t get the non-verbal communication of embrace re-adjustment, speak up or walk off the floor.
I too hate committing to a dance before I know what the music for the next tanda will be. Sorin’s suggestion of making a conditional acceptance of a dance is a good one and something that I’ve been doing over the last year or so. It seems to work well especially as followers now know I do this with other followers and not just with them.
Getting rid of tension can be quite difficult. I’ve found that if I’m feeling relaxed but my partner is very tense then bringing my left hand in close to my left shoulder, or even placing the followers right hand on or just below my left shoulder can help a lot. To get rid of tension in myself, I usually only accept “comfort” dances until I feel relaxed.
David
“Less is more”:
While I generally agree about “less is more”, especially when I see some leads doing a lot more than they should and forget about their partner, music and people around them. I myself have slowed down a lot in the last year and I am doing a lot less. So less that when I watched a video of me dancing last week, I thought geez, I am not doing any cool steps, just walking, pauses, ochos, cross and occasional ocho cortado and a turn. No boles, vocadas, colgadas and all that stuff… and if you saw me dancing a year ago you would see a huge change. A year ago my walking sucked and at the same time I was too much into all kinds of cool steps. Now it is almost complete opposite and I like the change but now I am thinking again about additing a thing or two to my usual vocabulary to spice it up a bit.
Do not forget that we are GUYS and we cannot be as sensual and as slow as you want us to be ALL THE TIME — we like to play too! So give us a little freedom to do our own steps once in a while as long of course as we do not overdo them. It is part of the game!
Sure Anton, it’s great when guys can throw in fun extra things
And if I’m not at a crowded milonga, I do love me some boleos, etc.
I think you hit the nail on the head in your sentence about guys leading too much without listening to where their partner is.
However inspired someone is to dance a certain step, etc., it’s essential to listen to where the partner is.
I don’t always want slow - I think that playful and, um… not slow?, can be just as sensual. I like to play with the music as well - you’ve seen it in my footwork
But fast or slow, cool steps or no cool steps, none of it matters if the guy doesn’t find where I am in the music. know what I mean?
I happen to know which video you’re talking about, and I happen to think it’s good, real Tango - not boring at all… full of beauty, music, emotion… it’s not how many ingredients you put into a food, it’s the quality of the few ingredients that matters
By the way, who says walking isn’t a cool step? It’s my favorite thing! I like to take something so seemingly “simple” and put as much elegance into it as I possibly can.
Osvaldo y Coca won the tango world championship a few years ago and they didn’t need high boleos or a large vocabulary of tricky moves to get there.
I also think the “relax” quote is so pretencious and self-serving. Amazingly, I don’t think I’ve seen too many women ever saying “relax” to a guy… it mostly works the other way around.
On the “choosing the partner to the music”–Tina, I hear you. The thing is, this is related to your point #3–Tango takes time. Tango takes understanding. And, at the beginning, there will be a lot of people who are still not savoring and planning, just going for quantity over quality… and that means they may not yet be listening and/or paying attention to the music sufficiently to discriminate one’s potential dancing partner sensitivities.
It’s all related… I have to say that I liked Sorin’s response–very common sense, polite and still accounting for the need to listen, go slowly, pay attention, etcetera, etcetera.
On other codes… What can I say? Interrupting, grabbing, whatever is just not polite in a social environment. I personally had many times in which I was talking to a Tanguero (with or without plans to dance later) and a overly-eager lady came to grab him away from me. Results vary, but still I think this is the kind of thing I’d just rather not do…
Tina, I love the way you put it: “..none of it matters if the guy doesn’t find where I am in the music.”
Nothing makes me more tense than being told to relax. Nothing makes me more relaxed than a friendly easygoing partner who gives an affectionate understanding squeeze if I mess up and insists it was his fault, not mine.
Tragedy has struck..I’ve lost my tango shoes! I have no idea where they are but I suspect I left them in someone’s car. Oops…
So, all this talk of what’s okay and not okay during a milonga is making me sad that I haven’t been out dancing since my girls went missing.
I agree though with the correction issue though. When I first started out, I noticed that there were a few leads who were constantly criticizing me and my technique. I don’t dance with them today and I don’t think they like me much either. No skin off my nose though! There are plenty of nice people/leads who enjoy dancing and who make the follow feel like a million bucks no matter what her level of experience is.
Boris…You’re one of my faves.
Tina–
This is all great advice! I am terribly green, so every dance I hear, “relax!” A partner even left me in the middle of a tanda, and I know I’m not that horrible.
Please tell me–what is the proper etiquette to turn down a tanda at a BA milonga?
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