One of the most confusing aspects of Tango is the whole political issue of inviting/accepting/rejecting dances. Up in the northern hemisphere you won’t find a lot of the cabeceo, though I’ve been seeing it a little more lately, much to my delight.
The cabeceo is just fabulous for everyone involved – If you want to dance, you’ll somehow catch my eye. If I don’t feel like dancing, I simply won’t look at you. It’s great – no rejection, nobody feels bad for turning down a dance, and I’m not stuck in the “penalty box” (the penalty box = sitting out a couple songs so I don’t look like a jerk by saying no to you and then yes right away to someone else)
The only complaint I have about the way people utilize it up here is that the men seem to think it means they get to go right up to the woman do it. Really, please, do the cabeceo from across the room. If I want to dance, my eyes will find you. No need to get in my face – this sort of defeats the whole purpose, don’t you think? 
The other difficulty I have is the whole concept of babysitting, which I feel is uncomfortable and unacceptable. Babysitting is basically what happens when a man asks a woman to dance, she says no, so he sits next to her – or worse, stands in front of her – and waits for her to be ready to dance. If a woman says no, it means that she does not want to dance with you. Go away, wait an hour and ask again if you must, but it is very uncomfortable for the woman if you sit there and watch her.
This happened to me the other evening – someone asked me to dance, and I said no, that I was going to just relax a bit. My plan was to sit a couple songs out and then hopefully dance with Mr. Fabulous. Well, unfortunately this didn’t happen, as Mr. Babysitter cramped my style. He sat next to me, and sat, and sat, watching me, talking to me, watching me. The tanda ended and another one started, and Mr. Fabulous was trying to catch my eye. Unfortunately, Mr. Babysitter got right in my face to talk and talk some more. Mr. Fabulous looked away and found someone else to dance with. To find some freedom, I was suddenly “very thirsty” and excused myself to the refreshment table. There I found Mi Amor (yay!) and danced with him instead which was wonderful.
Anyway, I’m not saying that you can’t sit down and talk to a lady. I have male friends sit and talk to me all the time at milongas – but they don’t babysit. They really just want to hang out with me – and, they position themselves so that I can be open to invitation from men who want to dance with me.
I really enjoyed the segregated seating in the milongas of Buenos Aires (men on one side, women on the other – couples seated elsewhere, aka purgatory). Babysitting was impossible and the cabeceo was completely necessary. I don’t think this sort of arrangement would work in Seattle, so we have to make extra rules for making each other comfortable. Ah, Tango and its politics.
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Oh, Tina… Absolutely…!
You know, I just cannot, cannot, really *cannot* stand babysitters. In my humble opinion, they are just (i) passive-aggressive, because deep inside they know they are ruining for you…, in revenge for the fact that you said no to them, and thus (ii) begging for you to be rude.
As you, my tactique is usually to need to go to the restroom whenever I see them sitting next to me after a rejection. And then, I go and dance with whoever I’d like. I don’t really think they deserve me to be locked in a penalty box for long, since they are (consciously or unconsciously) playing at manipulating me and trying my patience to see who gives in first. I don’t think that’s fair…
Tanguera
Same here. Dealt with that situation two weeks ago. An intermediate leader was too intimidated to ask other women to dance so he sat next to me in hopes that I would agree to yet another tanda with him. Finally I told him that he was depriving other women the privilege of dancing with him - which was a blatant lie because he’s not a good dancer.
Vice versa, I would go up to men and say hello and then give them 20 secs to ask me for a dance. But I don’t sit with them, I go up with the pretext of giving them a friendly greeting in passing. If they don’t ask within 20 secs, I move on with a smile. The setup at some of the milongas I go to, it’s really hard to catch someone’s eye.
God, I love the codigos of Buenos Aires!
There is NO WAY that a man can sit down at your table uninvited. The codigo really makes me feel safe and protected.
In the U.S. I felt vulnerable to whomever decided to monopolize my time.
I’m not machista, but the cabaceo and codigos are a godsend to women who value their freedom.
Once about two years ago, a milonga organizer in Vancouver tried to do the separate sex seating, and make the milonga more like BsAs. Dios mio, the angry emails that flew, surprisingly mostly from women. I felt kind of sorry for the guy, he was only trying to bring the real culture of Tango to the city.
Normally I don’t comment on blogs even when I do read them but in the interest of fostering understanding, I’d like to say something here. I won’t go into details of why cabaceo is not strictly followed in Seattle except to point out, as an example, that large dimly lit rooms make cabaceo from across the room impossible and having a chat with a follow when a song you like comes on makes it impractical.
Still, let’s just accept the fact that for the moment verbal invitations are abound here and in many other places. There’s something you ladies can do to the “babysitting” behavior that you dislike. Be honest an unambiguous. If a lead you don’t want to dance with invites you, say “No, thanks.” Not “maybe later” or “I don’t like this song” or “I’d like to rest my feet for a minute” or “the moon is improperly aligned with Mars for our Chi to co-mingle.” A lead “babysitting” a follow is often the result of follow trying to come up with a nice rejection like “maybe the next tanda”. All this follow has done is put the lead into a sort of “limbo” by inflicting him with uncertainty. Should he sit down and way for the next tanda and miss out on this one entirely? If he goes away, does he send the message that he doesn’t enjoy the follow’s company except as a dance partner? On the other hand he wasn’t really promised the next tanda, was he?
I, personally, would be disappointed but not embarrassed or offended if you look me in the eyes, smile and say “no, thanks”. Furthermore, I wouldn’t feel bad if you reject me in that way and instantly accept a dance from someone else. What would hurt is if you make up an excuse for rejecting me like “I don’t dance to Canaro” and then accept a dance from someone else. What’s worse still is if you decline to dance with me and then put yourself in that stupid penalty box and refuse a dance you obviously want. That tends to build up resentment in you towards me and make me feel less inclined to ask you in the future if I think that even a refusal will cost you something and may cause you to change your attitude towards me for the worse.
As far as I’m concerned, similar principles of clarity even apply to cabaceo. A follow ignoring me may not see me due to the lighting or because of poorly arranged seating or may be unfamiliar with cabaceo. On the other hand, I consider a momentary eye contact followed by the follow looking away to constitute a refusal. That leaves me free to look for another partner rather than waste my time staring at someone wondering if they’re rejecting me or don’t see the invitation.
The last thing I’d like to say is to encourage optimism in each other’s character. If follows assume that “babysitting” leads are trying to hurt them and leads assume that follows who decline with excuses and “maybe”s are dishonest and greedy (trying to keep the lead around in case more desirable leads don’t ask), our milongas will look more like battlefields than the beautiful social events that they should be.
Hi Boris! Thanks for writing, I appreciate people who take the time to do that.
Interesting points!
Though I must say - When I’ve been babysat, it’s been with AND without excuses.
And maybe YOU would be okay with a simple “no thanks” - but a lot of other guys will demand to know why - which has happened to me before. I’ve tried the simple “no thanks” and most of them say “Why?” or “Please?” which makes me feel incredibly awkward.
On what you said about resentment: I don’t think I would resent someone just because I turned them down and sat out the tanda. I only resent people who don’t take no for an answer, which has happened. (see my above argument about simply saying “no thanks”)
I agree, clarity is necessary in the cabaceo. If a room is dimly lit, you have to take that into account and sometimes go where the woman can see you. I go to a milonga regularly in a very dimly lit place and always get a cabaceo, but then again I’m also alert and looking for the cabaceo. The guys here who know me, also know that I enjoy that sort of invitation, which helps too. And I’m not offended at all if they just come up to me and ask - I’m perfectly aware that this is Seattle and not Buenos Aires.
It’s good for a woman to be aware of how she is coming across to the man in cabeceo situations. I can understand what you mean - looking at you momentarily and then looking away can be confusing. This is why I try to scan the room without making any eye contact, and when I DO make eye contact, it means that yes, yes, yes - I want to dance.
However, in my not-so-humble opinion, at the milonga it’s the man’s responsibility to learn to take no for an answer, regardless of how it’s said. There is never an excuse to babysit.
If you don’t like how a woman turns you down, then simply don’t ask her to dance again.
Tina, love the new design!!!
I have to say, I tend to agree with Boris in that it is better to say “No thank you” than anything else that may be misleading to the leader. Trying to not be hurtful but clear, I tend to say “Not right now, thank you”, but sometimes that doesn’t seem to cut it… so I’ll have to think of something else. In this regard, however, I tend to disagree with Ney’s Do’s and Don’ts in one critical point: if one locks herself into a “penalty box” after inventing a silly excuse for not dancing with someone one really doesn’t want to dance with, one is sending a really mixed message–it’s trying to reinforce the courtesy-lie, rather than simply accept the fact that one doesn’t want to dance with a particular leader, but maybe would like to with another. In fact, I usually try to avoid the penalty box for this very reason, even if I usually aim at not being mean when I say no. Hum…
It’s a difficult balance to achieve, because in the end the milonga is also a social space, and of course the fact that one doesn’t want to dance with someone doesn’t mean that one would not want to be friendly to that person (or make her/him feel bad). Oh well.
Thanks for the compliment on the design, Tanguera! It may change again, I’m still experimenting, but we’ll try this one out for a while.
I don’t really stress myself out too much about these codigos (despite how my venting on this blog makes me appear, LOL!), but my bottomline is that if a woman refuses a dance, the man just needs to accept that and move on, whether she was nice or not. It’s a question of respect.
What Boris was saying about the “stupid” penalty box. After turning down one man (nicely!), I had accepted a request from another man a minute later. While I was dancing, I noticed the hurt look on the first man’s face. It made me feel bad enough to start using the penalty box codiga. Just because I may not like the way a man leads, no need to stomp on his feelings. Being rejected is bad enough as it is.
I left this unsaid before, but I’d like to point out now that I don’t claim to speak for all tangueros.
For instance, I’m against the custom of “penalty box”. I called it stupid because in my opinion it
1. Punishes the follow for declining.
2. Does not accomplish its goal of softening the blow to the rejected lead.
The reason for the second is because usually it’s obvious when the follow wants to dance with another lead but is forced to refuse and it’s also obvious when she makes one of the standard arrangements to dance the next song or the next tanda because she’s in the penalty box just then.
Now, I have to admit that being rejected used to be harder. It’s easier now, in part, because it’s less common and, in part, because I understand it better now. Looking back, I know I’ve acted in less than ideal ways to cover up my disappointment. Remember, while we may not take rejection personally, we’ll always be disappointed. There’s no way around it. Disappointment is a result of not getting what one wants and if we didn’t want to dance with you, we wouldn’t ask.
Well Boris, you seem like a pretty nice guy to have at a milonga.
I liked the last couple of sentences you wrote about disappointment - in a sense it’s a compliment to us girls.
I guess a lot of us just feel like it’s kinda cold to say no to one person and yes to the next person during the same song. A lot of times, when I put myself into this situation and am waiting out a couple of songs, I will use that opportunity to go to the ladies room - that way I’m not open to invitation. Or, I just wait out one song instead of the whole tanda (depending on who’s there that I want to dance with.)
The penalty box can also be a positive thing, more like a “rest and relaxation box” (for my feet - those comme il faut shoes can be tiring after a while!).
Here are my two cents:
I agree with Caroline, no matter how they put it, a “no” is always embarrassing to me. I dont care much what her reason (or excuse) is. And yes, if later, she jump to dance with another guy, i feel worst. Why? Because she is saying “No, I don’t like to dance with you” or “You are not good enough” and that hurt, even if it was said in the most diplomatic way. If the women really want to dance with you, she will do it, or at least, she will be very clear about that: “Hmmm… right now my feed are killing me, but please, come again in the next tanda”. That, is a yes. “Sorry, I dont like canaro” is a no.
If a guy stand by you after that kind of no, well, he don’t know nothing about the codes or the girls. In that Boris is right, with that kind of guy you have to be very clear.
Men, chat with a lady after a no? Never. If you want to socialize, do it before invite her to dance, if you have to, because not all the girls want to chat with you. She will not be offended. A lot of the girls are in the milongas only to dance. Of course, that doesn’t mean you have to be rude.
Girls, penalty box? Never. If a guy babysit you, you will have to teach him. Is the best for him, really.
Nice article Tina!
PD. Sorry I dont show up here soon… I am on vacations!
I agree with Boris that “the penalty box” is a stupid idea. A woman should not a take a punishment for saying no. It is her right to say no. If I come up to a woman to ask her to dance, it is because I love the music being played and the possibility of dancing with her to that music so much that I am willing to risk rejection. If she turns me down, I will be disappointed, of course. But if I realize that she subscribes to the idea of “the penalty box” and would rather sit out a beautiful tanda than dancing with me, then her rejection hurts even more.
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