Of course, now that I’m living down here, I get lots of e-mails with questions about visiting Argentina. Lots of invitations to meet for coffee in order to get tips from me about getting around in Buenos Aires. Lots of questions about where to do this, how to find that. Requests to help find Tango shoes (something I like, though I’m still trying to learn how to leave all money at home for those outings, to avoid temptation).
On one hand I really like this, because I enjoy meeting new people, I always have an opinion on what might be fun to do, and because I’ve had many an expat take the time to meet me in other cities around the world. And most importantly, connections are being made in one way or another.
For example, Buzz, a student and friend of Cherie and Ruben, recently put me in touch with his kind-spirited, adventurous daughter M who is around my age, who then put me in touch with her fabulous friend P, who arrived a few days ago in BsAs, and she got together with me a couple of times for coffee and even came to check out a milonga. We clicked! 
Yesterday P invited me down to San Telmo for the day, and it turned into a wonderful girls’ day out between me, her, her Hungarian friend, and two American girls she met a few days ago, one of whom lives here now. I ended up making wonderful connections (and finding a pilates teacher) and having one of the best Sundays I can remember so far. I’m smiling just thinking about it. (Thanks Buzz, if you’re reading this!)
That is an example of some of the great things that can happen when you are open to them.
On the other hand, I get a little exhausted when people get everything they can get from me and then disappear. I am a very social person and like to make personal connections - if I can’t make the personal connection, I almost don’t want to help. It almost hurts me to meet someone, help them out, maybe take them to a store, think I’ve made another social connection, and then never hear from them again - not even so much as a thank you.
These are the same people who flake out, people who forget that unlike them I am not on vacation, people who think I can just up and change my hours for them when in fact it’s not quite possible since I have a life and I have to work, and it’s just annoying. There are also the ones who you think you click with, but, perhaps unintentionally, they complain, complain some more, wrap you up in their personal problems, drain you of all your energy and then “ciao!” they’re gone.
I’m not looking to make best friends with everyone I meet, but I do expect a little common courtesy! “Thank you” goes a long, long way. And it’s amazing how few people know how to say it.
It’s such a fine line because I absolutely love making connections with people and helping out, as more often than not, it comes back to me. But the question is, how nice can I be? And when should I say no?
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12 users responded in this post
Users of the expats that actually have lives are not the people I want to meet. I feel for you! kisses and misses!!
It is always shocking to come face to face with true selfishness. But rather than closing your heart altogether, give folks at least one chance, and be more aware of the “signs”. Should they be popping up in your first meeting, you know you shouldn’t make any more time for them.
Great advice Johanna! Thanks. I think that I can even weed a few people out from their first e-mails to me… some e-mails are friendly and clearly appreciative, which I like, while others word their e-mails as though they think I’m the tourism bureau and I’m supposed to provide a service. I can either charge them a fee (ha ha ha) or I can just refer them to the Buenos Aires forum on tripadvisor.com. In fact, maybe I’ll link to it from this blog.
Tina, I SO hear you, but I have to admit that Ruben and I have been so incredibly lucky with the wonderful students who find us.
I think you’re right about weeding out strangers from their first emails.
And also, my advice would be to just do what you feel like doing. If you’d enjoy a trip to Comme Il Faut, then meet the new connect there at a time that’s convenient to you. Just because you’re a nice and giving person and write a blog doesn’t mean you are the Welcome Wagon of Buenos Aires!
P.S. I’m so glad you and P hit it off and I can’t wait to meet her!
I get people asking to stay in Seattle for tango magic and other things, and I just have to ask myself: Are they a drain? Do I get something that inspires me or a warm friend? Or not? I just have to have the boundary, and it is not always clear, but I sure don’t mind taking the trouble for those who make my life sweeter. Sometimes it is just worth a try anyway, what have you got to lose?
You could create a page on your blog of frequently asked questions on shoe stores and milongas. That way, like you mentioned, you could just send people that way.
Also, a “best of” section might garner more views.
You *could* take out a fee… obviously there is a demand, so why not use it to your advantage? Stay on top of things, don’t let them wear you down.
I am all for it: Tina’s BsAs guided tours. With the right marketing, it may be a good business. May be able to get you a few clients and earn some commissions for my next trip down.
(joking about the commission part, but serious about the business part.)
I think the centralized blog page of tips and fun things to do, and TP’s ideas make great sense…
As far as trying to figure out which people will drain you and dump you, unfortunately, you can’t screen for that and it may not be obvious from an email exchange, although that’s a good place to start. Usually you won’t find out until you’ve already given too much of yourself. It’s a very difficult area that I’ve explored a little too much myself, so I wish you luck with that.
You’re kind and lively and lovely, so attracting sorts of people is probably just part of what makes you special.
I hate tourists! I hate myself for being a tourist sometimes. I hate the word.
The tourist’s problem is, that he has nothing to give you back. Advice by insiders just cannot be payed back. Well, that might just my opionen of course;-)
J.
My personal opinion is that is a very admirable quality of your character to help people. And yes it can be draining. If you give, they will take. However, I think it’s important to protect your spirit from being drained and that as you know can be done in several different ways. However, to create a short cut of help for people that isn’t draining, I think the idea of putting a page on your blog that gives interesting insights and links would be a great way to help people without getting annoyed by the constant pulling by their energy.
On a lighter note, okay well, I am still looking for that today…love you lots, mom
Tina, I am an example of the connect that you like. I enjoy having met you and all my new friends from BsAs and hope to keep the connection - and even in Italy (assuming your are still making your way).
As far as M is concerned, she is loving all the new people she has connected up with during her first (of many) trips to BsAs and AR and always keeps the connections alive - as you know from her friends.
Thanks for the mention… B
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